I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
