I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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