when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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