Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(424): View more from California

I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed

Fav 9 5313 1483
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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

Fav 27 2156 7738
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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

Fav 4 2579 1968
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(847): View more from Illinois

At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.

Fav 3 2437 1172
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(916): View more from California

Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold

Fav 15 1097 1741
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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.

Fav 2 1019 592
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(228): View more from Mississippi

Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.

Fav 10 1498 815
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it

Fav 6 789 506
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(775): View more from Nevada

Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba

Fav 0 145 13
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