At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
