dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
