so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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