Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
