tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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