Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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