Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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