everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
