i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
