I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
