I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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