wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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