I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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