my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
