I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
