I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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