She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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