I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize