So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
