I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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