spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
