im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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