i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
what day is it and did you see me today?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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