Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
