I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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