Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
two words...techno handjob
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
