dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
