just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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