So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
whose parrot is this?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
