This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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