i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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