I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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