every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
