the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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