So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
