There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
