Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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