seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
