three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
