everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
