They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
