She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
