the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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