At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Pants are for mortals
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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