Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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