His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
