True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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