my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
