Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
