1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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