My Higher Power is John Stamos
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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