Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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