I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
