i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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